Love, God's Way: The Real Agape

“Love is just a word.  What matters is the connection that it implies…what are you willing to give to keep that connection?”[1]  This quote sounds as if it might have come from the work of a renowned Psychologist or Clergyman doesn’t it?  Believe it or not, it was spoken to Neo by a man representing a computer program in the final installation of “The Matrix.”  Isn’t it amazing how God can speak to us through so many diverse mediums?  In this case, about love.

Do we really know how to love?  Oh yes, the world is full of love, isn’t it?  We just “love” this and “love” that, but do we really love the way God intends for His people to love?  Not really. When anyone starts a conversation, or inserts into a conversation the expression, “I love so-and-so, BUT….,” we just created a mutually exclusive paradox.  Real love doesn’t insert a “comma-but” into the equation.  As Christians, though, we fall into this trap all too often because we’re trying our best to obey God’s command to love one another without really taking time to search out a true understanding of love.

There are three different levels of “love” as expressed in the Greek language, and unfortunately all that are found in the Bible are translated as simply “love.”  The catch is that all express totally different parameters of feeling and/or commitment.  In Greek, they are expressed as eros (air’-os), phileo (fil-eh’-o), and agapao (ag-ap-ah’-o).  The first isn’t even found in God’s word, as it expresses an elemental level that only we humans call “love,” and that erroneously.  The remaining two are both found in the words of the Christ and the Apostles and represent levels of growth in the love process.

Now, listen carefully to what I am about to say.  Only two of these levels are able to be expressed by the human psyche.  The other is totally unreachable to us without the help of God, because the flesh in it’s selfish, natural state cannot fathom this kind of love.  Problematically, this is the type of love God expects of us, so let’s work through the three levels and find out what we must do to obtain this kind of love.

The first level, or “eros” love is the instinctive, primal urge that causes us to be attracted to the opposite sex.  It is most directly comparable to “lust,” but this doesn’t really do it justice.  We find this activity expressed as “puppy love” in pubescent teens when they first begin to notice each other and se the difference between boys and girls.  It arises in relationships throughout life, allowing us to be attracted to those with which we have things in common.  In these and other numerable respects, “eros” can be a healthy mental activity, when kept in control, leading us toward both familial and friendly relationships, filing the need for both intimate relations and fellowship with others.

Unfortunately, “eros” is often left to its unbridled instincts.  This evidences itself in extremes ranging from minor instances such as promiscuity, all the way to various expressions of sexual perversion; the types of which we will not explore for the purpose of this discussion.  Suffice it to say that God has an unbearably warm environment reserved for those that practice these activities.[2]  “Eros” is totally a product of the flesh and therefore exists only in carnality.  This is the first and baseline of the levels of expressed “love” and necessitates positive and intentional control by the individual to keep it within the confines of healthy manifestations.

This leads us to the second level of expressed love; that which expresses qualities of fellowship and friendship, or the “phileo” love.  Strong’s identifies this love as “to threat affectionately or kindly, to welcome or befriend.”  Jesus expresses this concept in John when He tells the disciples that they are no longer servants, but “philos” or friends.[3] In this particular case it is a strong expression, as He declares to them that henceforth they will know the Father’s will as He does.  This expresses one who is a “confidant,” trusted with ones closest secrets.

We, as humans, express this relationship as “best friends.”  It is unquestionably the highest level of love we can express through the confines of our human existence.  Even in most marriage relationships, the level of commitment seldom even gets to this level.  How many of us have secrets that we won’t even discuss with our spouses?  We mask it as “Man” or “Girl” talk.  Sometimes we use the excuse that things were said to us in confidence and spread the word all over, but not to the ones we should trust the most.  How about, “I’m only telling you this so you’ll know how to pray.”  Church members, and sadly even some Pastors, can’t keep confidences and use various excuses to spread gossip.

Of course, the “eros” level and the “phileo” level blend into each other in an area of “grey” that is, at times, indistinctive. We amass everything from “casual friends” to the short list of “best friends.”  When we make the change from the life of sin to the life of enlightenment, the “grey” area may shift appreciably, eliminating acquaintances from some lists and adding some to others lists.  We have to make the judgment as to how these people affect us in relationships comparative to how God wants us to live our lives. 

Let’s go to another passage that exhibits this expression of “phileo” love and see how it compares with and moves us toward the last, and highest, level of expressed love, the “agapao” love.  Not only is this the highest level of expressed love, it is also the only level that we, as humans, cannot express within ourselves!  Strong’s defines this on as, “to feel and exhibit esteem through human affection and divine love.”  Further, it is noted as “the Christians love to God and man, the Spiritual affection which follows the direction of the will, and, therefore, unlike the (eros) feeling which is instinctive and unreasoning, can be commended as a duty.”

Lot of stuff, isn’t it?  Let’s unpack part of that before we explore our passage.  This is the love God has for man, His children.  It is unquestionable, undemanding, and undeniable.  It is the love that says, “I accept you where you are and for what you are, and will love you unconditionally because you are a child of God, whether a Believer or not.  It is the love that caused God to send His Son to die for us.  Think about your life and your acquaintances. Is there anyone in your realm of influence you are willing to die for?  Let me give you an example.  When an American soldier goes to war, willing to give his/her life to protect the freedoms and people that mean the most to them, it’s this kind of love.  When a parent dives into stormy water and thrusts a child back into the safety of a boat, knowing full well that is means they won’t be able to save themselves, it’s this kind of love.

Jesus put it another way.  He said, “No one has greater love than this—a man laying down his life for his friends.”[4]  It is impossible for the flesh to love in this unconditional manner.  It’s just too selfish.  That’s why Jesus and the Apostles exhort us continually to “walk in the Spirit and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.”[5]  It is only by the Spirit of God through us that we can express this type of Divine love.  There is no other way.

Back to our passage.  During the forty days that Jesus appeared at various times and places to His Disciples to verify His resurrection, there was a time, while taking breakfast with them that He inquired of Peter if he was willing to commit to that kind of love.  He asked him, looking at the others around them, “Peter, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest (agapao) thou me more than these?”  Not ready, yet to make that kind of commitment, Peter answered Him with, “Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love (phileo) thee.”[6]  Let’s express that exchange in light of our definitions.  “Peter, are you devoted to me without condition?”  “No. Jesus, but, I’m your friend.”

Not willing to let Peter off that easily, Jesus asked him the same question again, to which, sadly, He got the same reply.[7]  Now, listen very closely to this last of three exchanges and realize that in the King James Version, all instances are translated as “love,” regardless of the verbal intent, causing a misunderstanding that has lasted through the centuries.  Jesus will never force us to a level we don’t want to attain, therefore, the third time, He asked Peter, “Simon, son of Jonas, lovest (phileo) thou me?” (Are you, at least, really my friend?)

The misunderstanding is found in the next line of Biblical text; “Peter was grieved because he said unto him the third time, Lovest thou me?”  Peter’s grief wasn’t that Jesus had asked Him three times “Do you love Me?”  It was because Jesus had resigned Himself to the fact this was all He was going to get out of Peter and it hurt him that he wasn’t able to commit his best to the Son of God.  Notwithstanding, all Peter could answer was, “Yes. Lord, at least I’m your friend.”

Why was Jesus willing to accept this and not push Peter all the way?  Because He knew Peter couldn’t possibly make that commitment until the Holy Spirit had become available to him.  That love comes only from, and through, the Spirit of God.  There is no other way!  Do we truly “love?”  The answer is up to you.

[1] “The Matrix: Revolutions”

[2] Galatians 5:21

[3] John 15:13-15

[4] John 15:13, Weymouth translation

[5] Galatians 5:16, AV

[6] John 21:15, AV

[7] John 21:16, AV