Intrapersonal Biblical Relationships: Do I Like Me?

Relationships. In this, the early years of the 21st Century, relationships have become a standard talking point in almost every circle of influence. Television talk shows are constantly recycling the topic in varied formats. Relationships with your parents, siblings, spouses, significant “others,” and more are too numerous for us to mention in this setting. Even the Christian networks have their list of “relationship” topics and “expert’s” waiting in the wings to expound on every one of them. But, there is one relationship, and the most important of all, that is, in the majority of cases, completely ignored. It is the relationship with oneself.

We easily fall prey to the notion that a relationship must, by definition, be the interaction of two (or more) separate and identifiable entities. Even our counselors, therapists, Psychologists, etc, whether secular or faith based, consider a minimum of two to be the root example of a relationship, even when one of the participants is defined by Spiritual parameters.[1] This, however, is not the case when further exploration clearly shows a more specific entry point. As we are defined by God’s word to be a three part being made up of “body,” “soul,” and “spirit,”[2] we can easily identify the possibility for relationship conundrums within the individual. When we involve a body that seeks only self gratification with a spirit that seeks a renewed connection with the Creator and a soul torn between the two, there is no wonder that a scarred individual with a dysfunctional intrapersonal understanding ensues. The real wonder is that it is so sweepingly ignored.

How can we ever expect to have a meaningful relationship with others; our families, our co-workers, those in the body of the Christ, even God, Himself, if the relationship we have with ourselves is dysfunctional and unhealthy? Paul even recognizes and clearly states it as he says,

"So too, married men ought to love their wives as much as they love themselves. He who loves his wife loves himself, for never yet has a man hated his own body. On the contrary he feeds and cherishes it, just as Christ feeds and cherishes the Church; because we are, as it were, parts of His Body.”[3]

The very statement of this passage begs the antithesis. If a man does not love his wife, friends, coworkers, etc., then there is, most likely, a problem within that person of self-loathing, or at the very least, guilt.

Yes, guilt, a term somewhat overused and primarily out of context, yet it is the greatest tool of the enemy. He uses it in well placed thoughts, the attacks of others, and feelings of low self worth/esteem, just to name a few. The minute a person comes to the point of repentance and confession before God, he is already whispering to you that the flood of forgiveness and love from God felt at that wonderful moment of salvation wasn’t even real. Why, how could God even think of forgiving you of all the horrible things you’ve done!

Society today bombards us with the need to excel in everything. The “He who dies with the most toys wins” syndrome has caused us to rush to and fro frantically in the effort to store up “things,” and it must be appreciably more “things” than those closest to us in whatever arena applies. In the arena of business, it’s who has the most productive and far reaching network of influence. In the church, it’s who’s picked for the best assignments, or who has the greatest influence with the Pastorate and Deacons. Other examples can be found for each and every facet of our daily lives, but the primary factor of concern is whether it is a healthy relationship, or one built of corrupted principles and morals. For the answer to that question, one has to look deep within oneself.

The Psalmist cried out, “Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”[4] This is a wonderful sentiment to be voiced in prayer to God, but a dangerous one, to say the least, if one is not fully prepared for the eventual revelation. Especially if one finds that a large portion of the garbage, and the first God expects dealt with, is wickedness toward ones self. Decidedly, though, this is paramount to one’s beginning on the path to healthy relationships.

So often we find ourselves in a position where we didn’t get that big, fat promotion, with the raise and our own office. Or, maybe, the budget just didn’t allow for that new pontoon boat. You know! It’s the one just a little bit bigger than the one that Stan, down the street, just got. Possibly, someone in the family lives in a tad bigger house than you do, and you just know the wife is going to remind you of it, the next time you have a fight. Or, even more embarrassing, some one in the family/circle of friends might appear to be growing in the Spirit faster than you, and it just gets to you no end.

Situations like this arise daily in our lives, and the immediate response, in most cases, is to find someone, or something, to blame it on. “John” must have been “sucking up” to the boss again. Everybody knows that promotion should have been yours. And, if you had gotten those things coming to you at work, you might be able to afford the boat and house to match your position in the community. And, Lord knows that you just don’t have time to read and pray like you should, with all the pressures on you right now. You’ll get around to it when everything is going more smoothly. Besides, look at “Bob.” He and his family don’t have near the things you do, even though they seem to be quite comfortable and happy. Why, if he spent the time taking care of his family that he does in church, he would be no farther in his walk than you are!

And the pattern continues to form. Being wrong, whether in ones job, family, or faith is embarrassing, so we look for something outside of ourselves to be the reason for the failure. The more things go wrong, the more frustrated and embarrassed we get, and the more apt we are to cry out, “Everybody’s out to get me! It’s not my Fault!” Unfortunately, none of these, and myriads of other excuses we come up with, strike at the real root of the problem. We’re pushing ourselves too hard, and coming up short every time. It’s not the “things” that should be our focus, but as long as they are, we’ll never be happy. Deep down inside, we actually will blame ourselves for these imagined shortcomings, and all of the outside rhetoric is designed to hide that from the world, and the people we associate with. We just can’t forgive ourselves for not doing better.

The church, surprisingly, has a lot to do with this feeling of inadequacy. Since the decade of the 1980’s, a large focus in the doctrines of charismatic churches has been on gaining prosperity. If the “believer” doesn’t have more than anybody in the “world,” then he/she is a failure in God. The focus on “things” equates success in the body of Christ with wealth, just as it does in the world , and causes the worst type of unforgivness toward ourselves that can be imagined.

This, of course, is the enemy’s purpose, and will place the individual Christian in a psychological conundrum. Do I continue to beat myself up in the pursuit of wealth so I’ll appear “blessed and not cursed,” or do I just relax and listen to the words of Christ and “take no thought of tomorrow” knowing God’s got it handled?[5] The former will gain us the worldly approval we’re told is necessary to show that we’ve “proved God,”[6] but at the risk of a total nervous breakdown, and a carnal rather than spiritual relationship with God. The latter, though less stressful, and without help from the Holy Spirit, is apt to place us in the middle of a, mostly self imposed, but, of a surety, helped along by our “well-meaning” friends, horrible guilt trip.

Am I a failure before God for not having “things” that show how I’m blessed? Have I failed to provide for my family in a way that infers God’s prosperity? In answer, I only have to refer you to the Parable of the Barns for the true state of affairs,[7] but, sadly, this is not the accepted societal norm, whether in or out of the church, hence, the guilt trip.

Did I make an earlier reference to the field of “psychology?” Is a “man of God” seeking to explain things outside the realm of the Spirit? Yes, the reference was made and, no, I’m not moving outside the realm of the Holy Spirit. You see, to understand why this field is going to be so relevant to this work one has to understand what psychology really is, and not what it is exhibited to be.

Psychology is the science of the mind. No argument there. But, what is the mind? The term, “psychology,” was first used in the year 1653 A.D.[8] Surprised? Not the “modern” science it’s thought to be after all. In fact, the etymology of the word goes back to the Greek term “psuche” which means soul, or spirit, ergo, “psychology” was initiated to be the study of the soul ; it’s emergence as a medical discipline first seen in Thomas Willis’ reference to it, in 1692, as the “doctrine of the soul.” [9]

If we compare this with the notes of Paul on the same subject, and whereas he uses the same Greek root,[10] we cannot help but imply that the “soul” and the “mind” are inter-changeable terms for the same fixture. So, with that in “mind,” we will continue, with the understanding that the social science of Psychology must, by fiat, deal with the healing of the soul, a point one would be foolish to argue with one of my associates, Rev. Ray Hudgins, a clinical psychologist, yes, but a Christian first and foremost. This understanding did not come from the sterile atmosphere of the textbook or the classroom, but rather from the interaction with various clients during his fieldwork, both before and after his post-graduate studies. So, with that in mind we return to our example, and the conundrum in which we left our poor, miserable, confused Christian.

This example of “wealth gathering” is, of course, just one of many that could have been used to illustrate the contradiction our lives have become when we weigh them in the balance of “modern Christianity” versus adherence to the word of God. A word which, by the way, conveys absolutely no implication of a God imposed guilt trip of any kind. Rather, it plainly states just the opposite![11] Guilt trip therapy comes from the “other guy.” His (the enemy) job is to make us feel “unworthy” to come before God because of our “sordid past” or due to our recent failures. Guilt brings on shame, and shame caused Adam to hide from God.[12] We must remember, though, that Adam’s shame was brought about initially by his disobedience . The banishment of shame comes through obedience, liberty, and acceptance of God’s word.

However, when confronted with these various paradoxes manufactured by the pressures of society, the mind develops a view of its existence; a framework if you will, however arbitrary, that it causes us to accept as reality. Due to the intense desire of the body to receive gratification, this framework is, in most cases, independent of what the spirit reports. This caused the Prophet Isaiah to exclaim “ Who hath believed our report? And to whom is the arm of the LORD revealed? ” [13] Before one can “see” themselves revealed as God “sees” them, this set of values must be overturned. The “reality” one has to accept is not always the one seen, rather it is the one projected by God’s word, this being the only “true” reality, the other a manufacture of our senses and emotions.

[1] i.e.: God, the Holy Spirit, Angelic or Demonic entities, etc.

[2] 1 Thessalonians 5:23

[3] Ephesians 5:28-30, Weymouth

[4] Psalms 139:23-24

[5] Matthew 6:34

[6] Malachi 3:10

[7] Luke 12:16-21

[8] Webster’s Online Dictionary, www.websters-online-dictionary.org/definition/psychology

[9] Thomas Willis, "De Anima Brutorum" ("Two Discourses on the Souls of Brutes")

[10] 1 Thessalonians 5:23

[11] Romans 5:8, Isaiah 43:25, Isaiah 54:1-5

[12] Genesis 3:9,10

[13] Isaiah 53:1